Facing your Own Mortality as a Caregiver

whiteflowersI’ve heard it over and over again. As an adult child moves past their parent’s age of death, they breathe a sigh of relief and can’t help but be surprised they lived past what they thought would be their last breathe. Whether its 50 or 90, we tend to think that we will follow in our parent’s footsteps and there is some scientific proof to back that theory.

Many genetic diseases have hereditary links. For example, if your mother died of breast cancer, this doubles the chance of developing the disease yourself. In the United States, heart disease is the leading killer…. a somewhat inheritable but most times preventable death. Granted, cancer follows at a close second place but many cancers are not genetically linked.

But we all say it and think it… my parent died early and so will I. Or I have genetics on my side… people live forever in my family so I will too. I am not a scientist or even an expert on the subject but I do know how to Google so I was curious… is there any scientific proof that if your parent dies early you will too?

The first article I brought up was http://ageconsearch.umn.edu/bitstream/7145/2/dp060004.pdf which surprisingly cited a number of studies that showed there is NOT a strong correlation. Dr. Roizen on http://www.sharecare.com/health/longevity/how-parents-lifespan-affect-lifespan states pretty much the same thing. He cites the Framingham Study as the most comprehensive and summarizes that they found, “about a 6 percent correlation between life span of the parents and life span of their offspring, meaning that many other factors affect longevity as well. If both your parents lived past the age of seventy-five, the odds that you will live past seventy-five increase to some extent. …. Some genetic conditions, such as being a carrier of the BRCA-1 breast cancer gene…. is one of the instances where genetics can make a big difference.”

So science says not to worry… just because your parent died at 61 (the age my Mom died) does not mean that you will too.

Phoooey on that. Facts are one thing but emotions don’t always follow facts.

I was okay when my mom was dying because I was so busy caring for her and I didn’t have the time to consider my own mortality. After her death though, every little illness became monumental. Bloating? Probably stomach cancer. Respiratory issues?… couldn’t be a cold or just that I was out of shape and fat… it was probably the start of something serious and life threatening.

I began to look at my kids and wonder if I would see them have their own children. Would I see them married and with gray hair or would I be long gone and just a picture on their end table? Would I have the chance to cuddle my grandchildren? Tell them stories and watch them so their parents could have a night out.

People tell me I am like my mother. I am in many ways… and in other ways I hope not…. despite me loving her fiercely, she still drove me nuts. We both have the same issues with weight and similar health issues too — thyroid and arthritis among them. If we have the same health issues, then won’t pancreatic cancer fall into my bucket as well? She was one of the more health conscious in her sibling group — she ate a nearly organic diet, worked daily on the farm, drank rarely and never smoked. She should have lived the longest but she died the youngest of six siblings. Doctors really don’t know what causes the type of pancreatic cancer she had. They say its not hereditary but since they don’t know what causes it I am not ruling genetics out.

Good things have come from the worrying. I took a good look at my life and priorities and decided I was spending way too much time at work and not enough with my children. My youngest daughter informed me I had never chaperoned one of her elementary school field trips. I couldn’t imagine that to be true but when I objected and tried to come up with an instance, I realized she was right. I had been too busy running my company and volunteering for causes, that while they were important and life changing for someone…. they weren’t life changing for my children. My children wanted their mother to show up and be in their lives. I am typing this now at my son’s track meet. Earlier today I attended my daughter’s volleyball tournament. In the past year I have attended lots more events than I have in the past. Its taken some creative methods – I bring my laptop and between matches or heats I work where I can. I have to get up earlier than I may like to get the horses fed or the laundry done. I also divided my job at work so I was no longer doing three jobs and failing at all three because I wasn’t superhuman like I wanted to be.

But I have enjoyed it and I know its the right move. So there is some good in worrying you are going to die young but I don’t recommend it or think its more good than bad.

People throw around phrases like “seize the day” or “you only live once”. You do need to seize the day and make the most of it but not at the detriment of your future. I know I need to believe that I have a future past the age of 61 but I have to admit that I will breathe a big sigh of relief when I pass it.

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